Figure Out What My Future Looks Like
by TheFirstToSayNo
Summary: Tegan Quin has started to give up. In her depression she turns to drugs and alcohol quickly taking things to the brink with the hope that Sara will bring her back again. ***This is my first story so please be gentle with your feedback. I hope you enjoy it and if something seems like it should be changed tell me in the comments! Thank you*** (Its a Quincest by the way)
1. 1 - Thinking We Could've Been Something

**Tegan's POV:**

Tegan was alone. All alone in her apartment with the entrance light on, blaring straight into her eyes. She squinted towards it angrily and took another swig of tequila. She felt woozy. At least part of her did. There was a slight cloudiness to her thoughts but not enough to stop her pain or help her sleep. She'd been awake for the past 48 hours and nothing was helping. Her whole body seemed to want to shut down and Tegan was not complaining. She had given up anyway. Sitting alone had helped her to think after the horrible phone call from her girlfriend.

"Not anymore." she chuckled sadly to herself, examining her hands."Nope, not anymore." She sighed and stood up on wobbly legs walking towards the kitchen. Passing by the remnants of her phone which she'd thrown at the wall the day before. Its screen was cracked and broken, finally silencing the endless vibrations. She kicked it out of her way as she went and set her bottle down on the counter, reaching up for the pill box she kept in her cabinet and pulled it down. The box knocked something else down with it and they scattered across the counter in disarray. Small colorful sheets of paper. About 20 or so photographs that she had kept stashed away. They were her favorites, the one's that were supposed to bring her back to happier times. There were letters to Sara. Never sent but penned in poetry and words that she had only put on paper for her.

Tegan picked one of the photo's up and smiled sadly to herself. Sara's smiling face beamed through the photo at her as though her twin was trying to send her some message. As if Sara knew or even cared about what was going on with Tegan. She laughed at the thought of it. Sure the phone call from Tracy had caused what was happening now but Sara was the one who had truly broken her. Without even trying. Her beautiful face was always haunting Tegan in the back of her mind. There had never been a girl who could live up to Sara in her eyes. Or how Sara used to be. Tegan and Sara connected beyond blood. It was obvious to them both and Tegan knew that Sara felt it too or she'd felt it before.

Sara could handle it though. She was better at faking it then Tegan ever was. She could put on a show for people to keep them in the dark from what was really going on but Tegan could not and Sara had moved on. She had bottled up her feelings for Tegan and married Emy. Tegan now wondered if Sara felt anything anymore. If she kissed her lips would her stony sister melt onto her as she had before? Tears were falling before Tegan could stop them and they hit the picture in her hand and she dropped it as though it burned her.

Her headache seemed to return worse than before and she numbly reached for the familiar bottle of little pills and popped it open. She spilled them out into her hand and examined them. There were 15 left. Enough to last her a week or so. They were small and round, they did not look like anything special but she knew they could hurt her. She knew they could destroy her. That's what she wanted though. Tegan just wanted to have the pain in her mind silenced. She wanted to disappear into peaceful sleep and never wake up. She reached for the light switch and let darkness surround her before she gulped down as many as she could. The little capsules stuck in her throat and cut all the way down as she swallowed. She reached for her drink to soothe it and heard it crash down to the floor next to her. She fell then. The slowest fall she'd ever known and felt her stomach hit the shards of glass and her shirt soak through with the spilled tequila. She could feel herself numbing as her system shut down but she did not move. Letting her head rest on the floor and she shut her eyes. She laid there silently in the darkness calm washing over her as she remembered better times.

**Sara's POV:**

Sara pounded on the door again trying to keep her bags straight next to her. Still no answer Sara finally let the bags slide down to her feet pulling her keys out of her coat pocket. Unlocking the door she let myself in, starting to pick up her things with one hand. She stopped herself: something was wrong. There was a smell wafting from the apartment. Something that told her Tegan was entered the strong scent of tequila burning her nose but she worried more for the lesser smell. The one that made her sick to her stomach.

"Tegan?" she inched into the dark room, Sara was scared and for the first time in months she let her guard down and tears snaked across her cheeks. "Tegan, please. Where are you?" the slightest sound came towards her from the side where the kitchen was and she let her hand find the light switch. As the light turned on Tegan's form came into view and Sara cried out at the sight of her. Her eyes were fluttering lightly at the light but she began to shut them again as though she did not see her twin standing above her. "Tegan! Don't go, please." she knelt down feeling tiny shards of glass slice through her jeans and into her legs. Numbly she pulled her phone out of her pocket when she noticed the blood and pills surrounding Tegan's limp form. Tegan wasn't faking, she was leaving her in the only way she truly could.

"911 what's your emergency?" the woman's voice spoke to her from the other end and she tried to figure out what she should say. Sara sobbed for a moment and the woman asked, "Ma'am are you okay?" she shook her head but then answered her.

"I think my sister tried to commit suicide, there's so much blood and..." she broke off and the woman told her to keep calm and she had Sara feed her Tegan's address.

"Someone will be right over, Ma'am. Just-" she interrupted her before she could hang up.

"Wait, please talk to me, what can I do? I want to help her, wake her up or something." Tegan's eyes had fluttered closed again and Sara pushed hair from her eyes lightly.

"Can you tell me how serious her injuries are?"

"No, I think they're on her stomach, she must have cut herself or something." Sara started to cry, loud real tears and the woman tried to soothe her sweetly. She sat like that for what felt like years as Tegan slowly breathed in and out until she stopped. Time seemed to slow then as Sara dropped her phone and grabbed at her sister. The door flew open. Sara didn't realize what she was doing until someone pulled her off of her sister's body and held her down as they lifted Tegan away. She couldn't think straight as they stole her away and she fought harder clawing at the arms around her until something hit her and she calmed. Everything disappeared except for Tegan's retreating form.


	2. 2 - You're Heavy In My Heart

**Chapter 2 - Untitled - Sara's POV**

She awoke laying on a cot, her arms and legs strapped down. There were people surrounding Tegan working endlessly. She listened in hearing worrisome words as the doctors and nurses spoke in hushed voices above Tegan's cot. All Sara could think of once they moved was how relieved she was. Tegan was alive and breathing and that's all that mattered to Sara.

Watching her sister's chest rise and fall had never been such a needed sight before. She tried to get up again but could not so she yelled for a nurse. Tegan didn't react to Sara's shout but a nurse flew into the room and saw she was awake and struggling yet again. She looked her in the eyes pleading. "Please, I just want to sit with her." the nurse contemplated looking between her and Tegan silently before nodding and undoing the holds on Sara.

"Just be gentle, dear. She's in a very delicate state. We don't want anything to set her off." Sara nodded as she swung her legs over the sides of the bed. Something stung on her knees as she walked but she continued and the nurse came to her aid, escorting her the few feet to Tegan.

"I believe the doctor wanted to ask you something before." The nurse mumbled once Sara was settled. She picked up the chart at the end of Tegan's cot and read it. "Oh yes, the pill bottle was unmarked. We were wondering if you could identify them for us?" Sara looked surprised but then worried.

"What kind of bottle? Blue lid?" she bit her lip slightly as she remembered the last tour they'd done. The bottle had never left Tegan's side. She swallowed the pills down constantly but wouldn't tell Sara what they were. She had no idea what they could be. When Sara asked Tegan would only mumble without looking at her or snap at her angrily if she pushed the point too far.

"Yes I believe so. They're testing the substance but if you had any idea or clue that could assist us in helping her. How has your sister been lately? Has she been showing signs of depression? Addiction? Alcoholism?" Sara ignored the nurses questions letting her mind wander back to the last time she'd seen Tegan.

_They'd been waiting together in the airport lobby for their rides to get there. Emy for Sara and a taxi for Tegan. They had sat in utter silence as Tegan refused to look at Sara and Sara stared silently at the back of her head. With a sigh Tegan pulled out a pill bottle and popped two into her mouth. Tipping her head back to swallow it down. Sara watched as the muscles of her neck tensed but she looked away when Tegan's eyes met her's._

_Emy pulled up first and Sara reluctantly walked towards her; Tegan's eyes burning a hole in her back. She shoved her luggage into the back seat and went up to the front to join Emy. They kissed lightly but Emy interrupted it with a question. "Does she need a ride? I can drive her home." Sara felt hurt at first by being cut off. After hearing what she'd said Sara nodded eagerly and got out of the car walking over to her sister's retreating form. Before she could ask what she'd meant she realized Tegan was moving in the opposite direction of the car garage. She was walking straight for the exit to the airport _

_"Tegan, where are you going? The taxi's are-"_

_"I can find a damn taxi, Sara. I want something to drink first. Go home." The way the words were spat from Tegan's lips without her even turning around made Sara freeze where she stood and then Tegan was gone. Lost among the fray of people. Sara let out a breath of a sob before turning away and heading back to Emy._

_"She's going to the bar." Sara said dryly and Emy nodded driving out of the airport quickly, not wanting to question the situation. The ride was silent and when they reached home Sara went straight to her phone calling Tegan over and over again and seeing if her girlfriend knew if she was okay. Emy made dinner and let her fret away over Tegan. It was what Sara had to do and Emy knew that but as the day ended and Sara had still not calmed down Emy began to worry._

She walked over and sat next to Sara on the couch pulling the phone away as the familiar sound of Tegan's voicemail went off. Sara stared at Emy, trying to hide the worry she felt but Emy saw it. She knew how Sara felt no matter how hard she tried to deny it and she hugged Sara to her and whispered. "Do you want me to go get her?"

Of all the things Sara had been expecting Emy to say that was not one of them and she nodded silently before getting up and walking to the door. She was beyond tired and jet lagged but she couldn't stop her worrying enough to sleep. She shrugged on a coat and stepped into her boots as Emy did the same. They drove to the bar that Sara assumed Tegan had gone to and sure enough she was there.

Sitting at the counter and flirting with the blonde bartender as she took another shot. Sara stormed over to her sister and jabbed her with a finger, making her turn around. to face her. Tegan did turn but instead of talking or shouting she saw Sara and pulled her into her, kissing her softly on the lips. The strong smell of alcohol encased Sara as Tegan held her between her legs and she refused to kiss back. Emy was watching with horrified fascination as Tegan pulled away finally and rubbed her thumb across Sara's lip.

_"So its true," she spoke low so only Sara could hear, "You're not mine anymore." It wasn't an answerable question but she still stared into Sara's eyes for a moment longer before turning and finishing the last three shots quickly so Sara couldn't stop her. Then without hesitating she stood up, paying the pretty bartender with a wink and a $50 dollar bill, she grabbed her bags and let Sara lead her out. Sara rode in the back seat with Tegan letting her sister rest her head on her lap as she now slept._

_She brushed the hair from her eyes, not letting her restless fingers leave her twin's face. When they reached their home Emy and Sara helped Tegan inside and laid her across the couch. Sara ran for pillows and a blanket and settled her sister into them gently. Emy watched as Sara went back and forth fixing things up for Tegan as she slept. It made Emy angry to watch Sara do this after what Tegan had just pulled but she let her anyway choosing to retire to her bedroom instead of watch the endless frenzy. Sara always did this and Emy had given up on trying to pull her away from her selfish sister._

_Once Emy left the room Sara set down the bags she was carrying and walked over to Tegan. Kneeling beside her she stared at her peaceful face and slow moving lips. The smell of Tequila wafted off of Tegan's breath and still clung to Sara's lips from the earlier kiss. She ached to feel them against her's again the warmth of their touch slowly molding her own. More than anything she wanted to give in to the feelings that pulled her to her sister's side. _

_Tegan had been wrong about what she'd said earlier. She had not lost Sara's affection. All Sara ever wanted was for Tegan to truly be her's but how could she be when everything they felt was completely forbidden. She leaned down to Tegan's face and brushed her lips against her ear as she spoke barely above a whisper. "I will always be your's."_


	3. 3 - Alligator Tears Spilled Over You

Chapter 3 - Sara's POV

"Miss?" Sara jolted as the woman shook her shoulder lightly and flashed a light in both her eyes. "Do you feel okay, dearie? You blanked out for a moment there." Sara let her head drop once the woman released her chin and she mumbled back.

"I'm fine. Its just... Its been a difficult time the past few days." She glanced over to Tegan's sleeping form.

"Oh I'm sure, dear. I'll let you rest." She motioned to assist Sara back to her cot but she pulled away, shaking her head.

"I just want to sit with her for a while." She spoke hoarsely not wanting to be tied down again but also knowing she would fight if necessary. The nurse looked nervously at her for a moment then sighed and gave a quick nod.

"Only for an hour or so. You need to sleep too. Call me before you decide to move. You shouldn't push your body too much." Sara nodded realizing that she did feel sore for some reason. The woman left her finally, shutting the door on her way out. Sara stood slowly, ignoring the protest from her body as she did. She inched over to Tegan and sat beside her on the cot. She was wearing a thin hospital gown that felt like paper to Sara's touch as she traced her finger along its small edging. Tegan moaned slightly as her hand rested on her stomach. Sara peeked under the gown to find bandages covering her entire mid section and Sara gave in to the tears. She lay next to her sister and cried, whispering apologies until she too fell asleep.

Tegan's POV

Tegan was dreaming at last. She wondered at first if she was dead. Something felt so good about being here. Calm and collected. It'd been so long since she'd last slept or dreamed that she wished it to never end. Things were better here. Her insides no longer pained her and she didn't long for her pills at all. In fact she felt clean and cloudless as the sun in her new world shown down on her. She was laying in a field on her back. Letting her arms lie out to the sides. She felt out of breath from running she assumed and she took long happy breaths of air. A voice laughed and called her name before their face came into view. It was Sara looking stunning as she stood over her pushing hair out of her eyes. Sara curls had started to grow out again and they sat untamable in her eyes and brushing along her perfect jaw.

"I found you." Sara laughed letting her legs fall so she was straddling Tegan. Her breathing was even harsher than before as Sara's hands traveled up Tegan's stomach. She let out a moan as Sara began to undo the buttons of her shirt. "What am I gonna do with you Tegan? I keep losing you don't I?" she laughed letting her lips brush against the skin of her jaw. Tegan reached to pull her sister closer but Sara pushed her arms above her head and continued to tease her, nibbling lightly on the skin of her neck. Tegan moaned again this time louder and her body began to tense and hum. Finally Sara's lips met her's and she let her teeth dig lightly into the soft flesh before licking it gently with her tongue. Before they could continue on Sara fell onto her side and Tegan could hear her sobbing. The sky darkened above them as Tegan tried to lift her head to comfort her sister but found that her body wouldn't move. She lay there face up as Sara's soft breath hit her ear with each cry and soon Sara began to mumble things. She mumbled apologies and whispered her faults and Tegan found herself crying with her and the last words she heard Sara whisper to her quietly were.

"I need you."

Tegan awoke with a jolt, almost pushing Sara off the small cot next to her. The room was dark and Sara lay beside her in the fetal position whimpering softly. Her dream started to come back to her as she realized her feelings of arousal at Sara's presence. She was so close to her now but still not reachable just as before. Tegan let out a long slow breath as she tried to move without waking her. She jolted again as the movement threw her whole torso in flames she bit her lip not to cry out but the heart monitor did it for her, the noise was out of control as her heart rate went up dramatically but she couldn't calm herself down. Why couldn't she move? She arched her back as the pain continued and suddenly Sara was on her a worried look in her eye as she tried to calm her.

"Tegan, its okay. You're going to be fine, please, please just calm down you're going to tear something. Please." Sara had tears in her eyes as she stroked the side of Tegan's cheek and Tegan let her savoring the warmth from her touch. Slowly she calmed trying to handle the pain quietly but the look on her face gave her away and Sara started to move off of her. "I'll go get the nurse." Tegan moaned her answer and reached for Sara to try and stop her. She couldn't handle it alone and what if Sara didn't come back. She would fall back into the depths of despair from before. Sara turned and rejoined her sister on the bed not knowing where to lay her hands to help.

"Tegan, I- I don't know what to do to make the pain stop." Tegan chuckled lightly to herself.

"It doesn't stop Sare, trust me I've already tried." Tegan's words didn't comfort Sara in any way. Instead Sara's eyes welled with tears and her face broke into anguished sobs. She hid her face in Tegan side and started to mumble apologies again.

"I should've been there. I'm so sorry Tee. I'm so so sorry. I found you and there was so much blood and I could smell it. I smelled it from the hall. I should've known. I should've checked on you sooner. I'm sorry." Her words became unintelligible as the tears consumed her and Tegan let her fingers run circles around her back trying to calm her down. Sara's face was right alongside one of the longer gashes in Tegan's torso and she had to suck in to not cry out in pain. When it seemed as though she'd quieted down slightly Tegan spoke, trying to speak in as calm a voice as possible.

"Sara, my um... my stitches are under-" Sara recoiled automatically not wanting to hurt her sister in any way. Before she could stand Tegan grabbed her hand and shook her head lightly. She guided her hand slowly to a place that didn't ache from the pain, she stopped once at the center of her chest letting Sara feel the slow beat as her hand rested over it. Sara's cheeks reddened as she felt her fingers touch the smooth skin between Tegan's breasts and she spoke without looking at her sister.

"Tegan, I... I can't." Tegan looked at her sadly, her body needed to be touched somehow. Even though Sara couldn't see it Tegan's folds were still moist from her dream and just having Sara's hand hover slightly above the sensitive space where her heart rested had made her nipples harden. "I... I need to call mum, and- and Emy..." At her wife's name Tegan dropped her sister's hand in disgust and turned her face away. "Tee, they just-"

"Get the nurse while you're outside please, I want to know what I have to do to get out of here," Tegan turned her head slightly so she could no longer see her sister and acted like she was going to fall asleep which she knew would still evade her in this white room if Sara wasn't by her side. "And where my fucking pills have gone off to." The last part was mumbled softly but Sara caught it anyway and she watched her sister worriedly but Tegan didn't turn her way.


	4. 4 - Love You Without Aching

**Author's Note: Hi to anybody reading this. Sorry this chapter is so short. I kind of already wrote a bunch for this story but I have two versions and I'm trying to meld them which is really annoying and I am really kind of irritated with how it turned out :P But I hope you like it and please tell me what you think! I hope you all still like it and check out my other story which I promise to update soon! Anyway, enjoy 3**

**Sara's POV**

When she returned to the room again Tegan's eyes were shut and her breath came evenly. She looked so peaceful as Sara curled in next to her on the small cot. Carefully laying her hand around Tegan's middle; trying to avoid the bandaged parts, she watches as Tegan's eyebrows crease slightly before she curls completely into Sara's front. It doesn't occur to Sara that she's technically spooning her half dead sister. She can't focus on anything but the way Tegan's face looks so relaxed and happy. Sara can't imagine what she would've done if Tegan had died. Moving her hand gingerly she sneaks it under Tegan's gown and places her cold hands on Tegan's warm chest and leans her head on Tegan's arm.

It reassures her to feel the heartbeat beneath her hand and the sound of Tegan's breathing calms her beyond belief. She lays there with her in that position for a while, just thinking. As her thoughts wander tears slip slowly down her face. She thought by now that her teras would stop flowing but as she was thinking of everything that had happened and how she could stop it there was no end. "Tee, I don't know what to do." She whispered to Tegan quietly. Sara's words caused Tegan to stir slightly and Sara moved out of the way as Tegan turned onto her back with a few mumbled words before she continued to sleep peacefully. Once she had settled Sara swiftly moved into a straddling position: hovering slightly above her so their bodies were not quite touching. She had a hand on either side of Tegan's face and was only inches from her skin.

If anyone walked in at that moment Sara would have no words to explain why she was laying there or why there were tears running rivets down her cheeks and landing lightly on Tegan. She leaned down to one side of Tegan's face and whispered into her ear to see if her sister would wake up. "Tegan?" the only sign that she had spoke was the light movement of Tegan's hair as Sara's breath hit it. Letting her tired mind rest her body moved of its own accord. She ignored the usual awareness of her wrong doings as she fluttered kisses across her sister's face: her bent ear, her closed eyes, her strong jaw line, and the tip of her button nose.

She paused above Tegan's lips breathing hard as she looked up at her sister's relaxed eyelids. Shutting her own she leaned down and hungrily pressed her lips to Tegan's. Her sister's lips part slightly but stay still as she breathes in and out without rising to meet her the touch of Sara's soft lips. She sighs as she pulls away before leaving one more light kiss on her rose petal like lips. As quietly as possible Sara settles back in as she collapses into silent sobs until she too falls asleep.

Tegan slept on and off for three more days as she detoxed from whatever she'd been taking. When she slept she moaned and cried out for help. Even though it was painful it was worse to Sara when her sister awoke and with her eyes glazed and dull. She would mumble things that Sara couldn't understand and all she could do was hold her as she shook and screamed. Every time Sara woke up in her own cot across the room she would drag her body over to Tegan and continue the pattern of kissing her shivering sister and holding her tight. She felt sick while she watched her sister's pain and hoped that she was easing it slightly with her soft words and strong grip. For three days Sara did this and for three days Tegan seemed to just be getting worse.


	5. 5 - I Lie To Me Too

*****A/N: Sorry this chapter is really short and really has no substance. I promise that there are better and more interesting chapters to come. Thank you for reading and please enjoy and review if you want to!*****

**Tegan's POV**

The male nurse lifts Sara gently from her place beside Tegan and she watch as he turns and walks her to the other cot. If she wasn't so weak she would've protested. She had enjoyed awaking to the feeling of Sara's arms around her and had turned to trace the lines of her sister's face. Wishing to memorize them in the endlessness that she assumed was her fate. Even so she knew that the nurse she was speaking with would never understand this strange want so she stayed silent about it letting the elderly woman continue to check different things.

They were all being as quiet as possible not wanting to wake Sara. No one had said anything but the bags under her dear sister's eyes had been the only clue necessary to tell her it'd been awhile since she'd truly slept. In fact if someone had come in then to check on them it would be hard to tell which had been hospitalized in this situation. Tegan wished to be able to move. To be able to have time alone with her sister. To hold her shrinking form in her arms and try to help her grow back. She was killing Sara and she didn't know how. This whole thing had been to help Sara. To get her to live without Tegan dragging her down but now she was more confused than ever. What did Sara want if not peace?

Tegan's thought process was interrupted by the sight of Sara's eyes opening across the room. She watched as Sara blinked once, twice, and a third time before her eyes focused in on her sister. Sara's reaction surprised them all as she began to fight the arms around her. She fell to the bed with a loud smack but did not stop her movements as she ran to Tegan's side: sore arm held to her chest. She knelt beside her sister's face and grabbed her hand, interlocking their fingers.

"Are you okay?" she asked. Tegan didn't answer choosing to instead take in the hazel eyes that searched her face worriedly. "Tegan, please. Say something." Sara begged after a few moments of silence and Tegan looked at her lips as she formed the words. She licked her own chapped ones, remembering their softness and then spoke her voice hoarse from misuse over the past few days.

"Why are you here?" she whispered and her eyes snapped back to Sara's eyes to see how she would react. Tegan didn't understand why Sara was even talking to her. They hadn't spoken in months and Sara had told Tegan that was how she wanted it. Sara hid everything beneath the surface usually but the way Sara was looking at her now was raw and true in comparison. Sara must've seen something in the way Tegan was staring because she pulled away quickly, unlocking their fingers and standing up.

"I have to be here. I'm your sister. That's what I'm for. I pick you up when you fall and when you do shit like this."

"Yeah, sure you do Sara. We both know that's not true. And I was doing us a favor. You a favor. I thought you wanted me gone. " Tegan snapped at her and tears reached Sara's eyes as she pleaded with her to be gentle with her words. Tegan wasn't feeling like pretending anymore though and she drove the knife in deeper.

Sara's POV

"You wanted me dead Sara. So why didn't you let me die? I did this for you." She spat at her and Sara stared at her in horror trying to comprehend the meaning behind her words. She hadn't let it fully sink in yet. She had wanted to blame Tegan's depression on something else. Anything else. She couldn't take the blame.

She felt a part of her break and her need for Tegan grew worse than before. She gaped at her sister for a moment longer: looking at the damage she had caused in her sunken cheeks and blue tinged skin. Tegan was sick and it was her fault. She needed to stop herself before she let her thoughts go too far.. With that thought she straightened up and let her face fall back to its usual cold mask of calm.

"I didn't do this to you Tegan. I haven't done anything to you. You're just mad right now." This seemed to anger Tegan worse as her eyes narrowed but she didn't say anything back. Instead she turned away from Sara all together and restarted her conversation with the nurse.

"It was an accident and it won't happen again don't worry. It was just a momentary slip up that is all. Can I please just go home?" the nurse stared at her still jarred by the previous conversation but she stuttered back to life quickly and tried her best to answer.

Sara turned away not wanting to be a part of it anymore she left to call her mother and lie about what was going on. She wished she could tell her the truth but something about how Tegan was acting made her worry that she didn't want to involve her mother at the moment. She walked out to the hallway, taking one last look at her sister before she shut the door.


End file.
